CRAFT: Moron Descriptions

That was a typo. It was supposed to be "More on Descriptions".
So, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, considering showering and the fact that I need to clean house, and I've decided to write this blog about descriptions. What works, what doesn't. Keep in mind, this is from my perspective, and I've a very jaundiced perspective on descriptions.

I scoured my shelves to find really bad descriptions but didn't find many, so I'll probably use stuff from my own writing when I reach the "this is what is lurid and awful section". That'll probably be in my next blog, though.

Before I get into it, I just want to say one more thing by way of a caveat or general disclaimer: what's with the violet eyes? Does anyone out there realize what color violet is? It's blue mixed with red (or pink). Hmmm. You know, I never thought Elizabeth Taylor's eyes were violet. They always looked blue to me until she started drinking heavily. Then they were blue and bloodshot--OH! I get you. Blue-and-bloodshot. Blue and pink. OH, YEAH! Violet. Okay, I'm with you now. Gotcha. So heroines with violet eyes are probably closet alchoholics or have severe allergy problems that make their blue eyes bloodshot. Gotcha. It's sort of a shorthand for a condition you don't want to describe in your book. Okay, I'm good with that.

So how to write good descriptions.
Keep 'em brief.
Keep 'em realistic.
Keep 'em ordinary.

Ordinary? Did I say that? Yes. Because all that flowery junk makes me wince. It's probably just me. I guess some people like that stuff.

In Wendy Roberts' book Dating Can Be Deadly, she does a great job with brief and realistic. I'll give you two examples, the first is the heroine's friend and the second is a guy the heroine has a crush on (not the hero, though).

First, the friend:
...Stumbling in my direction, with high heels sinking in the sodden grass and with ample bosom rising and falling in deep gasps, was my good friend Jenny...
...
...She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, the red hair color, Claret Classic, was courtesy of this week's sale at Neuman Drugs. Next Jenny dug in her purse and pulled out a cigarette. She lit up then nodded her head in the direction the thief had taken...
...

Get the picture? There's a bit more interspersed through their conversation, but only brief phrases. That is a great technique, by the way, since it lets the reader build up a picture of the person without being hit over the head with one long paragraph of description. In fact, let me continue so you can see the build up. I'll use the standard elipses (...) to show where I've left out the text between the descriptions.

...Jenny was retaining twenty-five years of fried food, not water, but she was my best friend so I supported her delusions of water retention...

...Jenny planted thick fingers on wide hips...

Okay, now for the not-hero guy. She give us the initial description in dialog as the poor heroine looks up so see a coworker (this guy) in her checkout line:

..."Golden hair, body like a Greek god, has on a brown leather jacket and there's a blonde, a model-type, hanging off his arm," I whispered. ...

But doesn't that violate the rules above about keeping it ordinary and all? No. Not really. Because this is converstation. If it's how your characters would talk, then that's how the description goes. She does go on to say he has azure eyes, but I let her get away with that, although it was a little close.

Here's a final description from this book, just showing a secondary character. I include it because it's just as important to know how to describe secondary characters as it is main characters--maybe more so, because you've got to give the reader a handle for secondaries.

...Suddenly, the doors did open and out stepped a stocky middle-aged man with skin the color of expresso. He wore a rumpled overcoat, a worn tweed suit and a dour expression...

Got the picture? Okay, let's continue.

Another approach
Here's another description from Jonathan Gash's Paid and Loving Eyes. Gash writes the fabulous Lovejoy mysteries about a rather seedy antique dealer. I'm not going to give you a lot of analysis or explain why Gash's descriptions meet my standards. Ths one is pretty self-explanatory. It's exquisite.

...There was relish in her mellifluous husky words. I recognized the respone. Women love conflict more than men. In the oblique light of the loading yard she looked stark somehow, black and white yet languid with the serenity of the well used. Lovely. Money's easier to spot on a woman. They like it to show more. Smallish, slender, intense, voluptuous. I loved her...
...
..."What is life or death?" She actually licked her lips...
...
...Diana glanced at me, at them, her excitement growing and showing. God, but women interrupt your thoughts...

Those were all from the same scene - I only cut out small bits of converstation between. All I can say is...masterful. In both these examples there is one major thing to remember: they are written in first person so in both of them, it is the narrator who is doing the describing, and you have to remember to write the descriptions the way the narrator would express them. So if you've got some flowery English-professor type who takes five years to say something an ordinary mortal would say in five minutes, then that's how you have to describe the scene, whether you (we) like flowery or not. Okay? Got that?

Now it's important to realize that there is a wide variety of ways to effectively describe things without going totally nutso and diving into purple prose.

Here is a description of Anita Blake's boss in Laurell K. Hamilton's Bloody Bones.

...He glanced up, smiled, and motioned me closer. The smile bothered me. Bert was never pleasant unless he wanted something.
His thousand-dollar suit framed a white-on-white shirt and tie. His gray eyes sparkled with good cheer. His eyes are the color of dirty window glass, so sparkling is a real effort. His snow-blond hair had been freshly buzzed. The crewcut was so short I could see the scalp...

See, now she uses similies and so on, but it works because she stays in the narrator's voice. It's also not overly flowery. Here is her description of one of the heroine's early love interests. It's quite a long descritpion, actually, but again, she pulls it off because it's in Anita's cocky tone. Ms. Hamilton approaches my wince zone quite frequently, and I stopped reading after things just went too far into the erotica/sensual zone in her last few books for my taste, but she's still very good at descriptions. She gets them right up to the edge, but the cocky tone saves them from being smaltzy or purplish.

...I had to admit that Richard was worth a crush or two. His thick, brown hair was tied back in a ponytail that gave the illusion that his hair was very short and close to the head. He has high, full cheekbones and a strong jaw, with a dimple that softens his face and makes him look almost too perfect. His eyes are a solid chocolate brown with those thick lashes that so many men have and women want. The bright yellow shirt made his permanently tanned skin seem even darker. His tie was a dark, rich green that matched the dress slacks he wore. His jacket was draped across the back of his desk chair. The muscles in his upper arms worked against the cloth of his shirt as he held the book...

Pretty good, right? She goes on some more, dribbling in tasty descriptions and Anita's reactions to him.

Okay, but those examples are all written in first person. In many ways, it's easier to write descriptions in first person, because any over-blown phrases can just be blamed on the taste of the narrator. It's much harder to write good descriptions in third person, because you, Mr. or Ms. Author, are responsible.

So, here's one final example for today (I still have to think up or find some bad examples, but maybe I'll have those in a later blog.) This example is from the fabulous Georgette Heyer's The Masqueraders. It's quite longish. It's quite good.

...My lady's brother gave his three-cornered hat into his servant's keeping, and struggled out of his greatcoat. He was much of his sister's height, a little taller perhaps, and like enough to her in appearance. His hair was of a darker brown, confined demurely at the neck by a black riband; and his eyes showed more gray than blue in the candlelight. Young he seemed, for his cheek was innocent of all but the faintest down; but he had a square shoulder, and and good chin, rounded, but purposeful enough. ...The lady wore a fine silk gown, and Mr. Merriot a modish coat of brown velvet, with gold lacing, and a quantity of Mechlin lace at his throat and wrists. A pretty pair, in all, with the easy ways of the Quality, and a humorous look about the eyes that made them much alike...

While not precisely brief, it doesn't go in for fantastical comparisons to things like jewels or fruit, which can really just not work. If you look at this, the description is very down-to-earth, very real. In fact, that's the key element in all of these that makes the work really shine. It's so real you can see it.

That's what makes a great description.
So... What kind of descriptions do you like?