Fiction Writing and Other Oddities

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year's Day and Resolutions

I resolve...hmm. I actually never make resolutions, never did, and didn't intend to because most of the time, resolutions sound more like wishes. Wishes are things which are out of our control and have a low success rate, like losing 20 pounds.

Speaking of weight, back in 1991, I actually lost 30 pounds and became almost emaciated, but that was in the olden days when I hated life in general and I was in my "grit your teeth and bear it" phase. Iron will. You--will--exercise--today--because--it's--good--for--you--and--your--feelings--don't--matter phase. Life is unpleasant so get used to the idea. Just do it.

Then, I meet my future husband, grew happy, got married, grew happier still, and rediscovered the pleasure in life, which includes eating. So now, I need to lose 20 pounds, but you know what? I'm still enjoying life and I like food and maybe 20 extra pounds isn't so bad. It's not like I snack all day or lay around eating chocolates, because I don't. Never did. And many days, I eat just two meals. The problem is, I don't get enough exercise (sitting at the computer is not exercise, regardless of how fast you type) although I do walk the doggies a mile or two every day.

Any-who, this was supposed to be about resolutions and not about my expanding girth.

So, because others keep asking me about my resolutions, I finally gave in to the social pressure and made some up to give my friends something to talk about. These are resolutions as opposed to wishes, and I actually believe I have a good chance at making most, if not all, of them succeed.

In case anyone wonders, I'm trying to become a published writer, instead of just a wannabe, so that will explain some of the more esoteric ones. I didn't include the obvious: I will be published, because that really is a wish and not a resolution (see "wishes" below). I have no control over what editors do or think about any work my agent submits. All I can do is provide my agent with manuscripts and hope for the best.

New Year's Day Resolutions for 2006

I officially make the following resolutions with the appropriate caveats:

1) I will finish at least 2 more manuscripts in 2006 (unless my agent gets any of my existing manuscripts published, and the subsequent flurry of activity prevents this).

2) I will not moan (too often) about the difficulties of getting published to my already published critique partners or this blog. This honor will be lavished upon my UNpublished critique partner who is hereby required to be sympathetic under all conditions, no matter how desperate. In return, I will listen to her, or at least appear to do so, instead of staring at my belly-button and humming.

3) I will not become so depressed during the summer doldrums that I stop writing for days on end, or stop eating, which actually would be of great benefit in the "lose weight" department, but I won't do it, anyway. Losing weight is not one of my resolutions, so I don't have to do it. I shall thrust my self-loathing/defeatist attitude into my writing and depress my critique partners, instead, and remain at least 20 pounds overweight.

4) I will laugh in the face of morale-crushing rejections and file them away in a timely manner in my new 2" thick three-ring binder purchased for that express purpose (after I filled up my 1" binder with rejections from 2001-2005).

And lastly:
5) I will not accept defeat, regardless of what my agent says, or how many editors and/or postal clerks plead with me to cease-and-desist or beg the courts to swear out restraining orders against me making any more furtive trips to the post office with over-stuffed flat-rate envelopes under my arm.

New Year's Day Wishes for 2006
The above were my resolutions, now for my wishes:

1) I will be contracted by a real brick-and-mortar, single-title, paper-or-hardcover publisher in 2006, with said book coming out by the end of 2006, 2007, or 2008, whichever comes sooner.

2) My agent will continue to love anything and everything I send to her.

3) Furthermore, my agent will find an editor for me, who will stand in awe and bow to my obvious greatness as a writer, and expand the publicity budget on my first published novel to at least threee times what they normally spend on new writers.

4) Once published, all reviewers will sit in awe as they read my novel, bow obsequiously, and write wonderful reviews, thereby causing unheard-of sales of my first novel and thrusting it into the New York Times Bestsellers list for an entire month.

5) I will make obscene amounts of money on my New York Times Bestseller and rights will be sold to a major motion picture company. A major motion picture will be made, starring someone--oh, maybe Jude Law, although I'd really prefer Tom Selleck except I don't know if he'd be believable as a 28-year-old British guy, hence my Jude Law suggestion (hint, hint) to movie producers everywhere, who will undoubtedly be dying for a chance to produce my novel as a really major motion picture... Except under no circumstances will they hire an actress with fat, puffy lips to play my heroine. I hate fat, puffy lips.

That's it.
Here's to 2006 and may it bring everyone, everything they could desire instead of what they deserve.
(Oops, that was a little snarky, but I'll let it stand...)

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