or “What the heck is that?”
- If I mess around too long, the snake is going to get away and I’ll never find it again.
- And I don’t want to wake up with it in bed next to me.
- Or accidentally grab it instead of the lid to the Tupperware when I’m reaching through a kitchen cupboard.
- So I have to do something. Preferably, now.
- How, exactly, is my husband sleeping through the loud explosions as crystal falls about 8 feet and shatters on our laminate flooring?
- I’ve got to get the dogs out because they’ll go nuts, and I don’t want to clean snake parts off the walls.
- Why are the dogs still sleeping? What are they? Deaf?
- I won’t be able to catch the snake if the dogs are pushing me around.
- Side Action: I wake the dogs and thrust them out the back door.
- They object because it’s as hot as a Louisiana swamp out there, too, even though we live in North Carolina.
- Now, I can’t put the snake out the back door, because the dogs will tear him apart.
- And there’s no way I can unlock the front door, while holding a snake. Even with the snake tongs. So I have to open the door, first. At least I got that bit right.
- I open the front door.
- I get the tongs.
- I don’t see the snake anymore.
Crash—boom—crash! Another load of glassware hit the floor, from just a little further along the shelf.
- If I try to move the glasses, the snake will just slither off.
- Do I know what I’m doing? (No.)
- Why hasn’t my husband woken up? Should I wake him up, if for no other reason than to see him suffer? Because really, he started this by wandering around the house at 2:00AM turning off the air conditioning units.
- And hubby is a wildlife biologist, which is why we even have the tongs to begin with.
- So shouldn’t he have to deal with this?
- But if I go get him, won’t the snake be gone? And won’t my husband just think I’m a nitwit? (Okay, he probably already does, because after all I'm a blonde--or was, but we all have our delusions.)
So, I clutched the snake with the tongs, remembering my husband’s warning that snake’s necks are fragile and you can easily crush them. It was a relief when the snake coiled around the tongs. I figured it would relieve the pressure on the neck. It wasn't a relief, though, when it started to stink (herp lovers will guess why, others needn’t worry about it) but I was glad I was holding it at the end of tongs and not in my hands.